http://www.justsouno.wordpress.com I'm sure you've heard about the conditioning experiments of Ivan Pavlov, i.e. Pavlov's dog. Ivan Pavlov conducted an experiment in which at the sound of a bell, his dogs began to salivate or expect food. He, basically, discovered conditioning or psychic reflexes. Stimuli in humans can create a negative or positive reaction. The smell of certain food can either create hunger or nausea. We respond or react to everything with negative or positive responsive behavior or action.
We experience a gamut of feelings and emotions in a 24 hour period. But for some, those feelings, emotions, responses and reactions are conditioned to the extreme.
PTSD is one such extreme. Trauma creates negative reactions to sounds and sights that would go unnoticed by most people, psychologically healthy people. Like Pavlov's bell, PTSD involves triggers: a sight, sound, smell or witnessed behavior in others, that cause an extreme emotional reaction. Children of abuse have been conditioned by such stimuli.
When a PTSD trigger occurs due to certain significant stimuli, the reaction is horrifying. The mind and emotions automatically go back to the specific event, i.e. day, time.... that relates to the trigger. Suddenly, the mind visualizes the event, the smells, the sounds, as if it were happening all over again in the present. The emotions, the feelings. It's debilitating....the fear, racing heart, inability to think, speak, the visions playing out in the minds eye. It's happening all over again.
Even though I'm an adult now with 25 years of therapy under my belt, I still do have triggers occasionally...not often, but occasionally. Rarely, in fact. And because of the rarity, when it does occur, it blindsides me....hits me like a ton of bricks, throwing me into an emotional spin for several days. I can't begin to describe to you the depth of emotional fear, pain, mental turmoil that occurs....just because of a sound, words said, smells, a person's behavior.
And as a result of ALL of this, distrust. I do not, fully, trust men. My guard is up, I'm defensive, I study facial expressions, body language, I take the emotional temperature of the room, I try to predict their behavior so that it doesn't catch me off guard. Any sign of negative or questionable behavior, I'm gone.... out of the room, building, the vicinity....with my heart racing. As a result, I'm a pretty good judge of character, but still cautious. Even men that I've known for awhile, if they do not have an open personality, I immediately think they're unpredictable. I'm just waiting for them to make the wrong move, say the wrong words; I'm waiting for the anger to burst forth and show it's ugly face.
Am I frail? no...definitely not. In fact, I'm assertive, sometimes aggressive, and I'm not afraid of confrontation. But, I am afraid of unpredictable, uncontrolled anger. I think most people are, to a certain extent. Mine extends past normal, healthy, fear. I do overreact, and I feel bad about it. But, I'm conditioned.
I remember one time, I had volunteered to work with children for a week. Each of the volunteers were assigned 5 children to work with. One day, we were seated watching a film or something...and a little 7 year old girl sat next to me on my left. It was summer, shorts and sleeveless tops and cool in the room from air conditioning. I raised my left arm, with the intention of putting my arm around the little girls shoulder and warming her arm with my hand. As soon as I lifted my arm, the girl immediately tucked her arms, hands to her chest and ducked. The look of fear on her face, startled and sickened me. I will never forget her eyes. Pure terror. She started shaking. I did manage to comfort her. But, my God, I could feel her fear inside me. I wanted to cry for her, take all the fear and hurt away. Make her "normal" with healthy feelings. Happy, worry free. I wanted to literally scream to God at the top of my voice... ."Why?"
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Monday, August 6, 2012
Intrinsically Safe
http://www.justsouno.wordpress.com Imprint:
Psychologist tell us, that our personalities are formed within the first seven years of our lives. We're born sponges, blank slates to be written upon my our parents, family, environment. This makes us the individual we are to become for the rest of our lives. Simple changes occur through maturity, experiences, events; but basically, our personalities are complete. We are molded, shaped, formed, sculpted, in those seven years. Such a critical time.
What happens if our parents, family, or environment is in disarray, chaos, "dysfunctional", disconnected, unhealthy, during that critical time period? Quite simply, we are misshapen. Like a piece of clay gone askew on the potters wheel. And without intervention, our personalities are misshapen forever. The imprint of dysfunction is branded upon our souls. The deepest part of our being.
Lost Girl:
I was born to such a family. Brought into the world with no expectations but to be loved. Wanted, cared for, accepted by the parents who conceived me. That's really all any of us want.
My father was a abusive alcoholic, my mother was controlling, strict, aloof, preoccupied; even more so as the years went by (due to living with my father's alcoholism). All, in the mean time, shaping my personality. Putting me on a track, that I had no choice but, to follow.
I had friends, toys, bikes, parties, family outings; all the things that I needed. Everything on the surface looked perfectly normal. But, in the midst of my family unit was resident evil. Inescapable verbal abuse.
From the day I was born, I was told how to think, who I was, controlled, manipulated on the whims of a drunk and a mother stressed from dealing with it all. That was the imprint of ME.
Who was I? I was useless, stupid, ugly, a cunt, a bitch, not the boy my father wanted so desperately, I was expensive; you name the term, and my father used it. My father was the adult, and I believed everything he said. Didn't question it. He was my parent, he would know who I was, if no one else did. My mother didn't contradict him, she was the passive abuser.
My personality was formed. I was brainwashed.
What happens long term to a child brought up in this environment? Eventually, they abuse themselves, distrust everyone, low self esteem, anxiety, depression, excessive behavior, promiscuity, OCD, PTSD, dissociative disorder, suicidal tendencies, estrangement, no boundaries. Plus, in order to cope with emotional pain, the child blocks emotion...stops feeling, has a inability to react emotionally, withdraws, has block amnesia. I had all the symptoms. No one noticed.
As an adult, the symptoms followed me, grew more intense. But through it all, I did have parts of my personality that remained untouched. I loved art, drawing, music; I was creative, intelligent, loved humor. These managed to survive. They were my mainstay. I built upon these traits and talents for security, for balance, for comfort, for escape.
Today, I know who I am. As all my issues were resolved, I became the person I was meant to be. Happy, normal, easy going, fun loving, and most of all, accepted and loved myself. It does take many years and hard work to get to this point. Because, it's so ingrained, habitual, automatic. There are minor issues that will probably always be part of me, but fading as time passes. I still have a mild degree of distrust, and occasionally find myself blocking feelings. I try not to, but there again, it's automatic. It's a life time, daily task to keep it from happening, to keep the avenues clear. To keep myself and my heart open.
I am free, healthy, enjoying my life, and most of all, WHO I AM.
Psychologist tell us, that our personalities are formed within the first seven years of our lives. We're born sponges, blank slates to be written upon my our parents, family, environment. This makes us the individual we are to become for the rest of our lives. Simple changes occur through maturity, experiences, events; but basically, our personalities are complete. We are molded, shaped, formed, sculpted, in those seven years. Such a critical time.
What happens if our parents, family, or environment is in disarray, chaos, "dysfunctional", disconnected, unhealthy, during that critical time period? Quite simply, we are misshapen. Like a piece of clay gone askew on the potters wheel. And without intervention, our personalities are misshapen forever. The imprint of dysfunction is branded upon our souls. The deepest part of our being.
Lost Girl:
I was born to such a family. Brought into the world with no expectations but to be loved. Wanted, cared for, accepted by the parents who conceived me. That's really all any of us want.
My father was a abusive alcoholic, my mother was controlling, strict, aloof, preoccupied; even more so as the years went by (due to living with my father's alcoholism). All, in the mean time, shaping my personality. Putting me on a track, that I had no choice but, to follow.
I had friends, toys, bikes, parties, family outings; all the things that I needed. Everything on the surface looked perfectly normal. But, in the midst of my family unit was resident evil. Inescapable verbal abuse.
From the day I was born, I was told how to think, who I was, controlled, manipulated on the whims of a drunk and a mother stressed from dealing with it all. That was the imprint of ME.
Who was I? I was useless, stupid, ugly, a cunt, a bitch, not the boy my father wanted so desperately, I was expensive; you name the term, and my father used it. My father was the adult, and I believed everything he said. Didn't question it. He was my parent, he would know who I was, if no one else did. My mother didn't contradict him, she was the passive abuser.
My personality was formed. I was brainwashed.
What happens long term to a child brought up in this environment? Eventually, they abuse themselves, distrust everyone, low self esteem, anxiety, depression, excessive behavior, promiscuity, OCD, PTSD, dissociative disorder, suicidal tendencies, estrangement, no boundaries. Plus, in order to cope with emotional pain, the child blocks emotion...stops feeling, has a inability to react emotionally, withdraws, has block amnesia. I had all the symptoms. No one noticed.
As an adult, the symptoms followed me, grew more intense. But through it all, I did have parts of my personality that remained untouched. I loved art, drawing, music; I was creative, intelligent, loved humor. These managed to survive. They were my mainstay. I built upon these traits and talents for security, for balance, for comfort, for escape.
Today, I know who I am. As all my issues were resolved, I became the person I was meant to be. Happy, normal, easy going, fun loving, and most of all, accepted and loved myself. It does take many years and hard work to get to this point. Because, it's so ingrained, habitual, automatic. There are minor issues that will probably always be part of me, but fading as time passes. I still have a mild degree of distrust, and occasionally find myself blocking feelings. I try not to, but there again, it's automatic. It's a life time, daily task to keep it from happening, to keep the avenues clear. To keep myself and my heart open.
I am free, healthy, enjoying my life, and most of all, WHO I AM.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Boundaries
http://www.justsouno.wordpress.com Contrary to the previous post, I do sincerely respect the boundaries of others. I know the necessity of having boundaries firmly in place. Of having them pushed and crossed by others in my life. Without boundaries, we would be taken advantage of, overwhelmed, "doormats" to those who refuse to take control of their own lives. The importance of boundaries are essential for not only our own mental well being, but actually, the well being of others. Why? Because we are sending out a message about ourselves, who we are, stating our own limitations, moral values, and self respect. Thus, causing others to realize, that perhaps their own lives are in need of some kind of order.
We can not change others, it's true. But we can take charge of what is in our power to control.
Boundaries free us up to be who we are. Defensiveness with resentment and insecurities, creep in if no boundaries are firmly in place, i.e. boundaries result in good, healthy, self esteem. It gives us the personal space in which we need to grow, to be happy, to have peace of mind.
I suppose the previous post could be considered an opportunity for us to reexamine our personal space. What resides there, are we comfortable and secure there? If not, adjustments must be made.
Just a matter of experience.
We can not change others, it's true. But we can take charge of what is in our power to control.
Boundaries free us up to be who we are. Defensiveness with resentment and insecurities, creep in if no boundaries are firmly in place, i.e. boundaries result in good, healthy, self esteem. It gives us the personal space in which we need to grow, to be happy, to have peace of mind.
I suppose the previous post could be considered an opportunity for us to reexamine our personal space. What resides there, are we comfortable and secure there? If not, adjustments must be made.
Just a matter of experience.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Master of My Personal Space
http://www.justsouno.wordpress.com Boundaries: What are they?
"Something that marks or fixes a limit."
This is the true definition of boundaries. And, the true definition of personal boundaries. Every one has them, or should have them. It's is how far we, personally, will allow ourselves to be extended; morally, socially, physically, often--mentally. Viewed as our "safe" zone. A place we are at comfort within any given situation.
My personal boundaries have shifted over the years, expanding as I grow into the person I am and want to be. "Shifting" due to confidence, personal growth, insecurities, and awareness. Thus, changing often, perhaps even on a daily basis. Why? Simply due to emotional needs, comfort in environment and "mood". And, I feel the latter plays a tremendous part in this "shifting" of boundaries daily.
Lets say, for example, I'm invited to an event that is out of my realm of past experience. I have nothing what-so-ever to draw on, so this means I am forced to "wing" it. Taking into consideration that I am a creative person with a fairly active imagination, my first choice is to fake it with every ounce of effort. Which, I must say, I do quite well. Often fooling others into believing that I know exactly what I'm doing. This seems to be a talent I have developed over the years. And actually, quite amusing and entertaining for me. And since I am bored easily, this seems to suit me on most occasions. It is still within my personal comfort zone; BUT, tests the comfort zone of others.
Which brings us to "mood". I am willing to admit that I am a mischievous individual. Why? Pure and simple: boredom and creativity. I require a tremendous amount of intellectual stimulation. And, if such is absent from my environment, then I am left to my own devices of creating it. Which, in my estimation, while being clever on my part, may not appear so to others in my company. Therefore, I have often been dubbed "annoying".
That said, let's take into consideration the boundaries of others.
I do respect the boundaries of others if I know what they are. Most people are not in the habit of wearing a sign clearly stating their personal boundaries. It's a matter of getting acquainted, i.e. getting to know the individual personally. Some individuals are open, easy to ascertain. Where as others, seem to be more of a challenge in sizing up their limitations. And I consider it my personal challenge to size up those limitations. What are they? How far can I go? Where exactly do they draw the "line"? If they are not guarding their own boundaries, is that my responsibility? I think NOT.
Therefore, we have the dilemma of where to start, where to end, how much "trouble" am I willing to entrench myself in. Depending on my mood, I would say that it holds no bounds.
You may perceive this form of thinking as cruel or inconsiderate. No, not at all. Without people like myself in this world, how could you possibly learn: limitations, patience, defeat your fears, and overcome those hurtles you've been plagued with. This is my gift to my fellow man.
In closing, let me say, someone has to test you; it might as well be me.
Note: This is purely sarcastic humor. I do respect the boundaries of others.
Note: This is purely sarcastic humor. I do respect the boundaries of others.
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