Intrinsically Safe

http://www.justsouno.wordpress.com           Imprint:

          Psychologist tell us, that our personalities are formed within the first seven years of our lives. We're born sponges, blank slates to be written upon my our parents, family, environment. This makes us the individual we are to become for the rest of our lives. Simple changes occur through maturity, experiences, events; but basically, our personalities are complete. We are molded, shaped, formed, sculpted, in those seven years. Such a critical time.

          What happens if our parents, family, or environment is in disarray, chaos, "dysfunctional", disconnected, unhealthy, during that critical time period? Quite simply, we are misshapen. Like a piece of clay gone askew on the potters wheel. And without intervention, our personalities are misshapen forever. The imprint of dysfunction is branded upon our souls. The deepest part of our being.

         Lost Girl:  

         I was born to such a family. Brought into the world with no expectations but to be loved. Wanted, cared for, accepted by the parents who conceived me. That's really all any of us want.

         My father was a abusive alcoholic, my mother was controlling, strict, aloof, preoccupied; even more so as the years went by (due to living with my father's alcoholism). All, in the mean time, shaping my personality. Putting me on a track, that I had no choice but, to follow.

         I had friends, toys, bikes, parties, family outings; all the things that I needed. Everything on the surface looked perfectly normal. But, in the midst of my family unit was resident evil. Inescapable verbal abuse.

         From the day I was born, I was told how to think, who I was, controlled, manipulated on the whims of a drunk and a mother stressed from dealing with it all. That was the imprint of ME.

         Who was I? I was useless, stupid, ugly, a cunt, a bitch, not the boy my father wanted so desperately, I was expensive; you name the term, and my father used it. My father was the adult, and I believed everything he said. Didn't question it. He was my parent, he would know who I was, if no one else did. My mother didn't contradict him, she was the passive abuser.

        My personality was formed. I was brainwashed.

        What happens long term to a child brought up in this environment? Eventually, they abuse themselves, distrust everyone, low self esteem, anxiety, depression, excessive behavior, promiscuity, OCD, PTSD, dissociative disorder, suicidal tendencies, estrangement, no boundaries. Plus, in order to cope with emotional pain, the child blocks emotion...stops feeling, has a inability to react emotionally, withdraws, has block amnesia. I had all the symptoms. No one noticed.

         As an adult, the symptoms followed me, grew more intense. But through it all, I did have parts of my personality that remained untouched. I loved art, drawing, music; I was creative, intelligent, loved humor. These managed to survive. They were my mainstay. I built upon these traits and talents for security, for balance, for comfort, for escape.

         Today, I know who I am. As all my issues were resolved, I became the person I was meant to be. Happy, normal, easy going, fun loving, and most of all, accepted and loved myself. It does take many years and hard work to get to this point. Because, it's so ingrained, habitual, automatic. There are minor issues that will probably always be part of me, but fading as time passes. I still have a mild degree of distrust, and occasionally find myself blocking feelings. I try not to, but there again, it's automatic. It's a life time, daily task to keep it from happening, to keep the avenues clear. To keep myself and my heart open.

        I am free, healthy, enjoying my life, and most of all, WHO I AM.